When I don’t understand, and God seems silent

Not knowing what is happening or what will happen in your life can drive you to great lengths to try to find out. It’s true for me. I hear passages like Proverbs 3:5-6,

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

and it doesn’t change my mind when I think I need to know something that I don’t know. He promises to make straight paths. But if I can’t see those paths, I am tempted to not care about the promise and try to illuminate my own way by any means necessary.

I don’t know what’s going on right now. I hear conflicting messages, and some seem good and some seem not as good. Pardon my vagueness, but if you know what been happening lately, I’m sure you understand. I don’t know what these conflicting signals mean, and there is a gnawing deep down that is a kind of sensation that truly feels awful every day.

I spent some time with David and Saul today, and I was encouraged to see that I’m not alone. There are other people who haven’t known what was going on with far greater stakes and they didn’t get much clarity when they wanted it. David even had great victories and showed immense self-control and respect for Saul by saving his life, twice. David could have even justified himself by saying he was acting in self-defense or something. But after this victory, he was hit with a massive wave of doubt in the LORD’s protection from him.

He goes from crystal clarity to a confusion that leads him into faithlessness almost immediately.

[David to Saul] The LORD rewards every man for his righteousness and his faithfulness, for the LORD gave you into my hand today, and I would not put out my hand against the LORD’s anointed. (1 Samuel 26:23)

Makes me think David believed in Hebrews 11:6. Then immediately after this, he is hit with crippling doubt.

Then David said in his heart, “Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will despair of seeking me any longer within the borders of Israel, and I shall escape out of his hand. (1 Samuel 27:1)

He was right. Saul did despair of seeking him any longer. David solved his lack of clarity by shacking up with YHWH’s mockers. By God’s great care for David, He expelled him from Gath by means of the kindness of King Achish. Ziklag got sacked and David needed to go get his wives back, but even then they didn’t lose anybody. He did obey and he was restored.

On the other hand, Saul also didn’t know what was going to happen when he saw a great army. He inquired of the LORD, but the LORD did not answer him. So Saul did what he knew to do. He went to a witch who had a practice of tricking people into paying her to attempt to bring up the dead. Saul got the clarity he wanted. That clarity literally was a death sentence.

I can’t equate my life to either of these examples, that would be foolish. However, the impulse is there, I think.

I have one friend who knows what’s going on in my life and hasn’t deserted me, and that friend has no peace about one pathway forward. And this friend has shown nothing but love and care. So I’m listening to this advice, and thinking that I can still take that path and be ok because of all this “growth” I’ve been doing lately. Then I looked into the “root of bitterness” reference from Hebrews and found this shot between the eyes:

Beware lest there be among you a root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit, one who, when he hears the words of this sworn covenant, blesses himself in his heart, saying, “I shall be safe, though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart.” This will lead to the sweeping away of moist and dry alike. (Deuteronomy 29:18b-19)

May the LORD keep me from falsely blessing myself in my heart in this way. I can see how He helps His people, and he always has, and he always will. I think I need to keep asking for faith and living out obedience. As Samuel says,

For the LORD will not forsake his people, for His great name’s sake, because it has pleased the LORD to make you a people for himself. (1 Samuel 12:22)

I’m sure this season too, shall pass. I don’t know what will come next that I don’t like or what won’t come next that I want; but this time with the Lord today was a little wake up call and a warning to not take my life’s situation(s) into my own hand(s). I am wont to do it, though.

Feels like a, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief” type deal right now.